The Best Christmas Yet

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had an HSG test done to check and see if my fallopian tubes were open and I also took Clomid for the 7th month in a row. On Christmas Eve morning 2011, we had just opened presents and I went to take a shower. Taylor was in the garage talking to his brother doing who knows what. I decided to take a test; even though, is was a day before my missed period. After months and months (and lots of $$ spent on medication, tests, and home pregnancy tests) the test read "pregnant!" I can't even begin to tell you the joy I felt that morning. I quickly grabbed a towel and ran to the garage to get Taylor. I told him to come in the bedroom that we needed to talk. Once he was in our room, I whispered to him that I was pregnant and the smile I saw on his face will stick in my mind forever. He picked me up kissed me and then kissed my belly. (which made my heart melt) I had told Taylor in the months and months of trying that finding out around a holiday would be ideal so we could share the news with all of our family in person and all at the same time. We weren't sure what we should do seeing that it was a day before my missed period, but Taylor's mom and brother were both at our house, and we couldn't contain our excitement, so we decided to go ahead and tell them. His mom was ecstatic and made me got take another test, so she could see it with her own eyes. She recorded the blinking hour glass and screamed when it popped up 'pregnant.' I couldn't wait to tell my parents either, so we met them and Amber in Fort Smith and I told them. Mom thought it was a joke, but I assured her it was no joke at all. They new about everything we had gone through to get this far, and they were thrilled. Later that day mom made me take another test to 'prove it' to her too. (not sure why our mothers doubted our word..haha) We decided to wait and tell Taylor's dad and Rozanne the next morning. (Christmas morning) I wanted to tell them in a clever way, so we got a jar of Prego sauce and put it in a Christmas bag that had a tag on the top saying, "We are..." (get it??) We recorded their reaction and it was priceless. They were confused at first and after a few minutes of them looking around the room, Holly blurted out, "So are we!" Holly and Glen had cam back in town a few days before Christmas and told Mark and Rozanne then. We all took pictures and exchanged our excitement. (Holly already knew at this point that she was having a little boy) We went our way that day and did the rest of our Christmas. That evening we stopped by the house to pick up a few gifts we had forgotten and I took 2 more tests (a different brand) for assurance. They both read negative. I was confused and wasn't sure I wanted anyone else to know until we saw a doctor. We went back to Mark and Rozanne's to do Christmas with the Burgess side. By the time we got there everyone already knew and as we walked in we found out that Brooks and Amie were also expecting. Talk about an exciting Christmas at the Sterling's. Annie & Pop found out they were going to be grandparents to 3 new grandbabies. The next morning my regular doctors office was closed, so we decided to go to a walk in clinic instead. They did a blood test, and the doctor called me that afternoon and said that the test came back negative. I can't begin to tell you how upset I was. I didn't want to call our family and tell them, but we called our parents and they did the rest. The next day I called my doctor and told them what had happened. The nurse told me to call the following week if I still hadn't started. I never did, so the following week I had blood work done. The nurse called me later that day and said the walk-in clinic must have done a  positive/negative test and not a test to check my HCG levels. (or a low number would have showed up then) All of that worrying for nothing. We quickly told our parents the news and they were excited, but we were all still worried. A few weeks later I started bleeding. I called the nurse and she told me I needed to have my blood drawn that day and the following day, so they could see if my levels were increasing or decreasing. That night I was in the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I told Taylor that I knew something wasn't right and I had a bad feeling. After blood work the next day the nurse called and said that I had a miscarriage at 7 and 1/2 weeks. (Which is when most miscarriages occur) She said Dr. Haraway wanted me to take a 3 month break for emotional and physical healing. I called Taylor who was at work and I cried and cried to him. Why? That was the question I couldn't get out of my head. Why do things like this happen? Why me? Why us? This was a really hard time in my life. My friends, family, and Taylor were so supportive and that meant the world to me. I was an emotional wreck, but everyone was so understanding and I knew had lots of people praying for Taylor and I. I am so thankful that we never told Peyton because I honestly don't think that I could have handled all of the questions that a 5 year would want to ask. One day when he is older I do want him to know about the brother or sister that he would have had. (or maybe he will read this blog) My emotions were like a rollercoaster. One day I was ok and the next I would cry and cry and ask God to give us our baby back. (which sounds crazy) For awhile I wasn't sure I even wanted to try again. I didn't know how I would ever be able to handle going through it again. Luckily my husband is a patient, sweet, kind, caring, and loving man. He was and IS my rock. I can honestly say that the day we got married he saw me at my best and he also saw my at my worst during this time and he loved me unconditionally throughout it all. I sometimes wonder at times if I took it to hard. I know the miscarriage was very early on, but to us it was still a life. (no matter how early it was)