A New Year

We started out 2012 pretty rough, but we were hopful that things we get better. After our early miscarriage at the end of January we were told that we needed to take 3 months off from tryingFor a person who would do anything to conceive, three moths sounded like a lifetime. I didn't really understand why we should have to wait that long, but that was the doctor's orders. He told us that the time off was not only for physical healing on my body, but also for emotional healing which I knew we both needed. On the three month "break" we both decided not to prevent eventhough that's what we were told to do. We figured if for some reason we did get pregnant in those three months without the medicine then it was meant to be.In February we went to our very first foster class. I had my heart set on children whether they were mine or someone elses. We learned all of the rules, what steps we needed to take, and we filled out all of our paperwork and had our background checks done. We decided after this to pray about it and see what were supposed to do. We want to follow the Lord's plan for us, but we weren't sure what that plan was. We met back with Dr. Haraway in April of 2012 to talk about what would be next and he then told us we could begin trying again with the help of Clomid. He also told us that our miscarriage was nothing to be too concerned about, because on average every woman has two in her lifetime, some of which they never even know about. He encouraged us to try again and to not get too discouraged. He said most people do not have two back to back, so if we got pregant again the chances of it happening were drastically decreased. We left his office thrilled and we were both more than ready to start this process over again. I took the Clomid and patiently waited. Those 28 days seemed forever long. On the day I was supposed to start my period I wondered why "Aunt Flow" never came, but didn't think to much about it. Knowing my own body, I didn't think anything of it. That week everything seemed pretty normal and after a few days, I decided to call my doctor and tell him that I still had not started and asked if they could go ahead and prescribe me the medicine to make me have a period, so we could go ahead and start on the next month of clomid. She told me that I had to make sure I wasn't pregnant before she would prescribe me the medicine. I told her I had taken cheap tests and they all had read negative and she suggested we go buy an expensive test and let her know the results. A few days later I told Taylor we should probably go ahead and go buy a test and get it over with. As I was taking the test that night I really just had a feeling that the words "Not Pregnant" were going to pop up and boy was I shocked when only "Pregnant" came up on the screen. My heart skipped a beat and yelled for Taylor to tell him. How did I not know? Why did I wait for a whole week to go buy a good test and take it? Why did I trust those super cheap tests? I called my doctor the next morning and went and had my bloodwork done. She called me a few hours later to confirm that we were indeed pregnant AGAIN! Taylor and I talked about it and we decided that we didn't want to go throught what had happened last time, so we decided to only tell our parents and a few close friends. Our parents and friends were once again thrilled and just as excited as we were. We were five weeks pregnant and found out we were due in February. We had our first appointment set up for the end of June and we couldn't wait. We found out the news only a week and a half before my brothers wedding, so we were pretty distracted that week helping get all of the last minute things together. The morning of the wedding (June 2) I got sick and threw up, so I thought that was a good sign, but we were still keeping our fingers crossed. The next morning we got up early were leaving for family vacation. Taylor, Peyt, and I headed to Little Rock to get Judy (Taylor's Mom) and then we were on our way to Destin, Florida for the week. When we go to Little Rock I decided I should go to the bathroom so we didn't have to stop a lot. I went to the bathroom and I noticed that something wasn't right. I cried and cried and told Taylor I knew that we were miscarrying yet again. He encouraged me to have faith and be optimistic. I begged him to let me stay in Little Rock and have my parents come pick me up and take me home. I really didn't want to be in the car for 9 more hours with cramping and pain. I knew exactly what I went through before and I only wished I could just go home and get in my bed, but I also didn't want to miss seeing Peyton at the beach and enjoy spending time enjoying him. We got in the car and I cried myself to sleep. I think I slept most of the way and the pain was just as I thought, but there really was nothing I could do about it at the time. The next morning the cramping and bleeding had stopped, but I called my doctor anyway. The told me that I could wait a week until we got home to have some bloodwork done or I could get it done in Florida and the results would be sent back to them. I chose to have it done in Florida because I am such an anxious person there was no way I could wait a whole week to find out what was going on. On Tuesaday we went to a hospital there and waited for the bloodwork order to come in from my doctor and for some reason it never did, so we wasted about 3 hours trying to get some answers. I called back to the hopital the next day and they finally got the order, so we went and had the bloodwork done and waited for Dr. Haraway's nurse to call. We went to the beach for several hours that day and then we headed to the pool before we went to get ready for dinner. While laying out at the pool I got the phone call and the nurse then told me that my HCG levels had dropped from a 75 to a 5 and anything below a ten was considered a miscarriage. My heart was completly broken yet again. I went back to the condo by myself and had some quiet time with God asking him the same questions I had asked just a few months before. Why me? Why us? I talked with my mom for a long time as I layed in bed crying and she did everything she could to console me and tell me that I will get through this and that everything happens for a reason. Taylor came back to the condo shortly after and I told him the news and he was so upset, I hurt for him too. We both wanted nothing more than to be parents to a healthy baby. I didn't want to ruin my vacation with my boys, so I tried to put on a happy face and spend lots of time with them. I didn't want Peyton to know what was going on, so I had to be strong for him. The nurse told me again that we needed to take another three months off for physical and emotional healing. I was confused. I knew how to better cope with it the second time, but I have to say I couldn't have made it without the help of my friends and family. I got back on my anxiety medicine while we were on our three month "break" and that helped with the stress that I felt daily. I again was down in life. I realized that being a grown up was not an easy task. I felt like my life was a rollercoaster and I wasn't sure what turn or twist it would take next.